Contract to Expand

27 has been the hardest and most transformative year of my life. My heart broke over and over again. lost 2 babies in ending a pregnancy. Got betrayed by the person I trusted and loved most. My business and life crumbled to the ground. Anything out of alignment disintegrated through my white knuckled grip. My reality burned to ash and everything that wasnt truly me burned with it. But as i sit here in my dream house in Bali i cant help but feel OK. Maybe even at home, safe and whole within myself. For the first time in a long time, i can tell my story without completely falling apart. My voice shakes but my words flow. My anger has dissolved into compassion. I am back in my own story. Maybe, i am finally starting to heal. Why does that feel so weird? I almost got used to feeling heavy, anxious, and overwhelmed all the time, that when i wake up without that weight pressing on my chest it feels weird, like wait a second, is this normal? 

I know that had everything been different this year, i wouldnt be sitting here writing this. I would of still been half asleep, going through the motions of everyday life, numb and all too comfortable with standing still, trying to prove my worth, letting my hard nos become soft yes’s, ignoring my intuition, trapped in playing small, disconnected, in a daze, comfortable in my illusion. 

Moments like these make me feel like maybe this year hasnt been in vain.

Yes, its been brutal.

It broke me in ways i never could have imagined. Some days i still find myself crippled underneath the weight of it all. But it also woke me up. It shook me. It brought me home to myself. It was the biggest catalyst for my expansion that ive ever had. Each threshold initiating me into my reclamation. I stepped from girl into woman. And now. I am wide awake, for the first time in a long time. Centered in love, present in my body, able to feel it all, trusting in god, liberated in my sexuality, whole in my being, open to life and free. So free. And for that, I am grateful.